her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
