you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
