His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
