On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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