insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
