So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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