my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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