Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
