I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
