why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
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There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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