i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
