Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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