WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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