6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
