i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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