Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
high people should be assigned attendants
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
