get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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