I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
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