I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
a search helicopter?!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
