textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?