White coat. Heels.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Brb crying the tears of my youth
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.