They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
