So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
