The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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