Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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