Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
