She is in my trunk
her vagine was all disorganized.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
