Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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