If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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