it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
