Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we're making bets on your personal life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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