Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
