she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
