the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
