Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
