i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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