his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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