I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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