Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
