My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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