The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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