nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
