You're a womanizer and a bitch.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
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Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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