shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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