Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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