dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
