The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
