At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
