When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
