He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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