Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
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she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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