Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
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I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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