saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She needs sedatives and a leash
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
