someone owes me an orgasm
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
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