i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
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we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
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Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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