I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
