wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
