Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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