I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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